It is starting to be fall. The nights are cool, the days are sunny and just right warm. We turned the air conditioner off, and sleep with the patio door in the bedroom open. If it weren't for the hot flashes, it would be great sleeping. I think I was awake every hour last night. Now I think I have conjunctivitis. I don't want to call in sick, but I shouldn't work if I do.
I have been busy in the sewing room. I have the Illiana quilt top done and ready to be quilted. I finished the Frank Lloyd Wright wall hanging. Also a baby quilt for Jaime Coykendall Thomas. I am working on "Opulence" which is very pretty. Giving me fits as I need to "black" out some stray elements and haven't found a successful way of doing this. I want to do some bobbin embroidery using Ricky Tims' Razzle Dazzle thread. I will be getting my Grace Frame set up on the back patio soon. I have at least 5 tops that need to be done. I am going to make zippered leaders, so that it will be easier for me to get the tops on and off.
I have my first mammogram and breast MRI scheduled for October 5. I am surely hoping that it looks good.
Wayne is getting worse, as far as his mood. He cussed me out on the street the other day for really nothing. He thought I should call Nextel information to see why my phone wasn't working. We were going to the Nextel service center right after we ate lunch at the big house, so I thought we should wait until then. This was not acceptable. Phone wasn't working because services had been transferred to the new phone that he had bought me. Certainly nothing to be cussed at for.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Getting past the August blues
Well, I think the August blues are behind me. But you never can tell when they will sneak back up.
August 23 was 8 years since Joey was killed. We started the day going to church for communion service. Fr. Mal was on vacation, so Deacon Andy Heckman had the service. I lit a candle for Joey. We then started on my second quilt shop hop. This one was the Illiana Quilters' Shop Hop. This was their second one, but my first time going. We went in the Thunderbird, because I wanted to get some more miles on it. It was gonna be a hot day, so I planned that I would have to put the top up. Wayne was crowded, hot, and uncomfortable, and let me know it. We started the hop in Rantoul. From there we went to Rankin to the cemetery. Wayne stayed in the car, which I assumed he would do. I don't think Rick goes to the cemetery. I never see any flowers there except the ones that I take. Isn't that sad. Then we went to Cissna Park. It was starting to get hot, but Wayne didn't want to put the top up until after we ate, because it is easier for him to get in and out with the top down. Although I did offer to put the top down to facilitate his getting in and out. Next stop was Henning's in Hoopeston for lunch. Food was not as good as it has been in the past. But did have lemon meringue pie. Then to the shop in Hoopeston, which is very nice. They have nice chatty newsletters. Too bad it is too far away to make regular visits. I put the Magellan GPS to use after this, as the next two shops were new to me. The Magellan got me to the shop in W. Lafayette, IN no problem. The shop in Lafayette was more of a problem, as the GPS didn't recognize the address. I felt fairly vulnerable because I didn't have a paper map. I did have a Google map print out of directions. Between the two, we got there. Of course, I was stressed because I am driving in unfamiliar territory, and Wayne is doing his customary back seat driving (sniping). I hit a curb by cutting a corner too short, but I was watching for traffic on the left while trying to make a right hand turn onto a busy street. Wayne yelled, cussed at me. I pulled off and started crying. He asked, demanded what was wrong with me. I can't change Wayne, I can only change myself. The shop in Lafayette is small, and is in a very old church. Very cute! From there we went to the shop in Danville. Now I have been there, but I thought I would just let the GPS direct me. It took a back way. Not really the best way. Wayne got out of the car there, because he was thirsty and had to go the bathroom. They had bottled water and cookies there, and he sat and talked with one of the ladies while I shopped. I like the Danville shop. I picked up one of their newsletters, and I think I am going to take a class this fall. Can't decide between crazy quilting or a class to make up the Illini quilt kit that I bought. I'm leaning towards the crazy quilting. They also have a monthly Linus Project club, which I think I am going to join. I like making quilts for kids, and these go to good causes. Last stop of the day was Urbana. Signed up for the Quilt Pink. They are making a quilt to raffle and proceeds will go to the Mills Breast Cancer Center. Then home. I was in a bad mood the rest of the day. Fell asleep crying.
Friday started out better. Because it was gonna rain, we took the Escape, so Wayne was more comfortable. We had a periodontal cleaning to start the day. Then off to Bourbonnais. The Magellan was fantastic, took us right to the shop. I liked that shop. Then to Manteno. We ate at a Huddle House, which is like a Waffle House. The Magellan again took us right to the shop. The last stop was Crown Point, IN. The Magellan took us to US30. Google maps took us a different way. I would have thought US30 would be faster. Probably would have been, had the traffic been moving faster than 5mph. It had been a good day until then. We spent 3 hours stuck in traffic, until we got to US41, which I turned down. The Magellan reconfigured, and got us to the shop. Wayne got in a pretty foul mood while we were sitting in traffic. I finally told him to pray the rosary, and he sarcastically laughed. I got my rosary out, and I did pray the rosary. The traffic started moving when I got near the last bead. I held the rosary through the rest of US30. Coming home we had to outsmart the Magellan. It wanted to take us back to US30 for shortest time, so I asked for shortest distance, which took us on a lot of back roads. When we got to US 41, I took it to IN63, and got home. We were home too late to go out with the Cunningham's, but went later to play cards.
I am trying to improve my internal thoughts about Wayne. I am afraid he is going to die too soon, and that being alone will be much worse than caring for him. I do love him. I do miss the Wayne that I fell in love with.
August 23 was 8 years since Joey was killed. We started the day going to church for communion service. Fr. Mal was on vacation, so Deacon Andy Heckman had the service. I lit a candle for Joey. We then started on my second quilt shop hop. This one was the Illiana Quilters' Shop Hop. This was their second one, but my first time going. We went in the Thunderbird, because I wanted to get some more miles on it. It was gonna be a hot day, so I planned that I would have to put the top up. Wayne was crowded, hot, and uncomfortable, and let me know it. We started the hop in Rantoul. From there we went to Rankin to the cemetery. Wayne stayed in the car, which I assumed he would do. I don't think Rick goes to the cemetery. I never see any flowers there except the ones that I take. Isn't that sad. Then we went to Cissna Park. It was starting to get hot, but Wayne didn't want to put the top up until after we ate, because it is easier for him to get in and out with the top down. Although I did offer to put the top down to facilitate his getting in and out. Next stop was Henning's in Hoopeston for lunch. Food was not as good as it has been in the past. But did have lemon meringue pie. Then to the shop in Hoopeston, which is very nice. They have nice chatty newsletters. Too bad it is too far away to make regular visits. I put the Magellan GPS to use after this, as the next two shops were new to me. The Magellan got me to the shop in W. Lafayette, IN no problem. The shop in Lafayette was more of a problem, as the GPS didn't recognize the address. I felt fairly vulnerable because I didn't have a paper map. I did have a Google map print out of directions. Between the two, we got there. Of course, I was stressed because I am driving in unfamiliar territory, and Wayne is doing his customary back seat driving (sniping). I hit a curb by cutting a corner too short, but I was watching for traffic on the left while trying to make a right hand turn onto a busy street. Wayne yelled, cussed at me. I pulled off and started crying. He asked, demanded what was wrong with me. I can't change Wayne, I can only change myself. The shop in Lafayette is small, and is in a very old church. Very cute! From there we went to the shop in Danville. Now I have been there, but I thought I would just let the GPS direct me. It took a back way. Not really the best way. Wayne got out of the car there, because he was thirsty and had to go the bathroom. They had bottled water and cookies there, and he sat and talked with one of the ladies while I shopped. I like the Danville shop. I picked up one of their newsletters, and I think I am going to take a class this fall. Can't decide between crazy quilting or a class to make up the Illini quilt kit that I bought. I'm leaning towards the crazy quilting. They also have a monthly Linus Project club, which I think I am going to join. I like making quilts for kids, and these go to good causes. Last stop of the day was Urbana. Signed up for the Quilt Pink. They are making a quilt to raffle and proceeds will go to the Mills Breast Cancer Center. Then home. I was in a bad mood the rest of the day. Fell asleep crying.
Friday started out better. Because it was gonna rain, we took the Escape, so Wayne was more comfortable. We had a periodontal cleaning to start the day. Then off to Bourbonnais. The Magellan was fantastic, took us right to the shop. I liked that shop. Then to Manteno. We ate at a Huddle House, which is like a Waffle House. The Magellan again took us right to the shop. The last stop was Crown Point, IN. The Magellan took us to US30. Google maps took us a different way. I would have thought US30 would be faster. Probably would have been, had the traffic been moving faster than 5mph. It had been a good day until then. We spent 3 hours stuck in traffic, until we got to US41, which I turned down. The Magellan reconfigured, and got us to the shop. Wayne got in a pretty foul mood while we were sitting in traffic. I finally told him to pray the rosary, and he sarcastically laughed. I got my rosary out, and I did pray the rosary. The traffic started moving when I got near the last bead. I held the rosary through the rest of US30. Coming home we had to outsmart the Magellan. It wanted to take us back to US30 for shortest time, so I asked for shortest distance, which took us on a lot of back roads. When we got to US 41, I took it to IN63, and got home. We were home too late to go out with the Cunningham's, but went later to play cards.
I am trying to improve my internal thoughts about Wayne. I am afraid he is going to die too soon, and that being alone will be much worse than caring for him. I do love him. I do miss the Wayne that I fell in love with.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Meltdown
I had a meltdown on Sunday the 5th. 27 years ago that day was BJ's last full day of life. I worked 8-2 as usual. Busy, but not hectic, but got behind on my dictation, so didn't leave work until almost 3pm. Went to County Market and bought groceries. Came home and unloaded the groceries. Finished the laundry, read the newspaper. I had a roast in the CrockPot, so only had to make mashed potatoes and a vegatable. When supper was ready, Wayne was still watching a movie, which he couldn't put on hold, so he ate in the living room in front of the TV. I ate by myself at the dining room table. I was cleaning up the supper dishes, when Wayne hollered for me to clean him. It struck me wrong. I felt like smashing the measuring cup that was in my hand. I went in and did the task. Wayne could tell I was mad. I was mad. Not at him. I don't know what I was mad at. Mad that I had lost BJ. Mad that I had lost Joe. Mad that it was August again, that hateful month when so many that I loved had died. Mad that nobody ever calls me up to see how I am doing. Oh, I get phone calls. People wanting my help. Mad that my best friend Steve has died. Mad that I have breast cancer, and not knowing what will happen to me. Wayne thought I was just mad at him, starting getting upset that I was upset, because he can't do anything. But it wasn't about Wayne. He started crying. What about ME?
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Happy Birthday, BJ
Today my baby BJ would be 27 years old. But instead of celebrating, I am feeling blue. This is the start of my depression month.
I have been really tired lately. I am not sure why. I have plenty of energy at work, but when I get home, I am exhausted. The hot flashes are bad at night, and I am awake almost every hour. Maybe that is why I am tired.
I have been feeding the ducklings cracked corn. They are so cute to watch. They dive under the water at times, and sometimes just put their head under the water with their little butts sticking up. I had a nest of bunnies in my flower bed by the lamp post. But the day after I discovered them, they were dead. I haven't seen the momma, so I guess something happened to her. I buried the five little bunnies in the next door yard.
My patient Peggy Lietz passed away this weekend. She came to me when she found a lump in her breast. It turned out to be a metaplastic breast tumor, very rare, and very deadly. We were diagnosed at about the same time.
I am looking forward to the next shop hop.
I have been really tired lately. I am not sure why. I have plenty of energy at work, but when I get home, I am exhausted. The hot flashes are bad at night, and I am awake almost every hour. Maybe that is why I am tired.
I have been feeding the ducklings cracked corn. They are so cute to watch. They dive under the water at times, and sometimes just put their head under the water with their little butts sticking up. I had a nest of bunnies in my flower bed by the lamp post. But the day after I discovered them, they were dead. I haven't seen the momma, so I guess something happened to her. I buried the five little bunnies in the next door yard.
My patient Peggy Lietz passed away this weekend. She came to me when she found a lump in her breast. It turned out to be a metaplastic breast tumor, very rare, and very deadly. We were diagnosed at about the same time.
I am looking forward to the next shop hop.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Lazy summer
Summer so far has been pretty quiet, except for nobody feeling the best. I had a relapse of my sore throat, to the point that I have an appointment for a videostroboscopy next month with Ed McCammack in ENT. My voice is still a little raspy, not noticeable. Thank goodness that horrible pain is gone.
I asked LeAnn Young at the cancer center about breast MRIs, as I seem to get some conflicting answers. She told me that Dr. Fernandez wants you to be off tamoxifen and Femara 3 weeks before a breast MRI, and that she personally didn't think that being off that treatment was a very good idea. I don't either, but I couldn't understand the why, so I contacted Dr. Fernandez about this. She told me that she wants ladies off SERMs and estrogen 3 weeks before the breast MRI, as they make it more difficult to read. But the aromatase inhibitors, of which Femara is, actually make it easier to read the breast MRIs. She feels that I should have breast MRI. So does Dr. Collins, so I will see if I can get the insurance company to pay for it.
The East Central Illinois Quilt Shop Hop is over, and I am almost done with the quilt top. This is a record for me. The proceeds from this shop hop goes to breast cancer research, so I especially wish to participate. The Illiana shop hop is next month, I am looking forward to it. I will be going to some new shops. Kathy at the Needle 'n I in Rantoul gave me a peek at the blocks, and I like the look. Very country. Unfortunately, there are only 10 shops, thus only 10 blocks, so to make a rectangular quilt, I need to make 2 more 12" blocks, or one 12"x24" block. I saw what Kathy had done, and I am getting some ideas already.
I was sorely tempted earlier this week to get a new sewing/embroidery machine. I was at the shop in Danville, which is solely a Janome dealer, and they have the 11000 there set up. And of course, on sale. Wayne had went with me. It was gonna be over $6000 out the door. I can't justify the drain of my savings account. I don't think I would use that embroidery aspect enough to make it worth the while. But I might in the future. Thank goodness I am such a cheapskate. Wayne offered to help with the cost, but I just can't justify it. Maybe someday.
We have more company coming, but at least I had some warning. Just don't know exactly when to expect them. I thought they would have been here by now. This is Todd, Julie's oldest son, his fiancee, and two kids. I hope he isn't bringing his pit bull!
I asked LeAnn Young at the cancer center about breast MRIs, as I seem to get some conflicting answers. She told me that Dr. Fernandez wants you to be off tamoxifen and Femara 3 weeks before a breast MRI, and that she personally didn't think that being off that treatment was a very good idea. I don't either, but I couldn't understand the why, so I contacted Dr. Fernandez about this. She told me that she wants ladies off SERMs and estrogen 3 weeks before the breast MRI, as they make it more difficult to read. But the aromatase inhibitors, of which Femara is, actually make it easier to read the breast MRIs. She feels that I should have breast MRI. So does Dr. Collins, so I will see if I can get the insurance company to pay for it.
The East Central Illinois Quilt Shop Hop is over, and I am almost done with the quilt top. This is a record for me. The proceeds from this shop hop goes to breast cancer research, so I especially wish to participate. The Illiana shop hop is next month, I am looking forward to it. I will be going to some new shops. Kathy at the Needle 'n I in Rantoul gave me a peek at the blocks, and I like the look. Very country. Unfortunately, there are only 10 shops, thus only 10 blocks, so to make a rectangular quilt, I need to make 2 more 12" blocks, or one 12"x24" block. I saw what Kathy had done, and I am getting some ideas already.
I was sorely tempted earlier this week to get a new sewing/embroidery machine. I was at the shop in Danville, which is solely a Janome dealer, and they have the 11000 there set up. And of course, on sale. Wayne had went with me. It was gonna be over $6000 out the door. I can't justify the drain of my savings account. I don't think I would use that embroidery aspect enough to make it worth the while. But I might in the future. Thank goodness I am such a cheapskate. Wayne offered to help with the cost, but I just can't justify it. Maybe someday.
We have more company coming, but at least I had some warning. Just don't know exactly when to expect them. I thought they would have been here by now. This is Todd, Julie's oldest son, his fiancee, and two kids. I hope he isn't bringing his pit bull!
Monday, July 9, 2007
Life update
Well, my laryngitis is improved. I thought for a while there I was going to have to see Ed McCammack. But it is starting to be but a bad memory.
Of course, Wayne had to catch what I had. His ear was very inflammed, and I started him on Ceftin. Because Wayne has a habit of snotting in his hands rather than a tissue, and he never washes his hands, he gave himself conjunctivitis. So one more thing I have to do for Wayne, give him his eyedrops (of course, he can't give them to himself.)
I am sooooooo missing Steve. I could feel his presence Saturday afternoon. It was so remarkable. If I had smelled his Polo, I would have sworn he was physically there. I talk to him in my mind, wandering what he would have to say about things that are going on. I pray that Carol and Gilvie are doing well.
Wayne failed to tell me that his friend Julie was going to be stopping by for a few days visit. Well, he did tell me about 4 hours before she got here. That would not be acceptable if that had occured to him.
Of course, Wayne had to catch what I had. His ear was very inflammed, and I started him on Ceftin. Because Wayne has a habit of snotting in his hands rather than a tissue, and he never washes his hands, he gave himself conjunctivitis. So one more thing I have to do for Wayne, give him his eyedrops (of course, he can't give them to himself.)
I am sooooooo missing Steve. I could feel his presence Saturday afternoon. It was so remarkable. If I had smelled his Polo, I would have sworn he was physically there. I talk to him in my mind, wandering what he would have to say about things that are going on. I pray that Carol and Gilvie are doing well.
Wayne failed to tell me that his friend Julie was going to be stopping by for a few days visit. Well, he did tell me about 4 hours before she got here. That would not be acceptable if that had occured to him.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
My ears!
Well, I am having no pain in my ears, but when Wayne got up this morning and turned on the television, I thought I was going crazy. It sounded like the sound was vibrating. It sounded funny when I brushed my teeth with the sonic care. I had Dr. Browder look in my ears, and she said my left is starting to look red. I have started on Ceftin, once again. Hopefully I will get over this without incident. I do not want to be on steroids.
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