Feeling blue

I was really feeling blue Sunday evening. I worked Sunday 8-2 in convenient care, and of course we were busy. But I got through it and stayed in a good mood. Got home, still doing well. Sometime around supper time it just hit me. We were trying to decide where we would go to eat supper. We decided on Niro's Gyros, as Wayne had never eaten there before. It hit me while we were eating. Wayne is terribly disabled, and he just doesn't care to do anything about it. He won't even stand at a counter to give his order. He sits down and barks orders at me. Of course, I got his wrong, and they had to change it. I got more food than I wanted, because there was a deal, there's always got to be a deal. Fortunately, the gyros taste okay left over. But as I am sitting there watching Wayne shove huge amounts of food into his mouth, I was so disgusted. Here is a man who can barely walk because he has let his body disintegrate, his diabetes is totally out of control, and he doesn't care. Margaret will take care of me. So what if I can't even wipe my own ass after I defecate, Margaret will. So what if Margaret is trapped and can't even go away for a short weekend respite. So what is Margaret feels cheated, because her husband is not really a husband, but more of a patient. Her children are dead. Her best friend and confidante is dead.

I'm glad I didn't reduce my Lexapro dosage.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was better than most. I volunteered to work at Convenient Care, as I figured most people would not wish to work. It was not busy, not like the Sunday before when I saw 40 people in 6 hours. It was a pretty day out, warm with a nice breeze. When I got off work, I went to WalMart to buy a plant stand for the nice planter that the Cunningham's got me for Mother's day. Ended up buying a miniature rose, a hibiscus, a new sprinkler, some patch grass mix, rhizomes for lilies of the valley (don't know where I'm gonna plant those), and a statue of a puppy holding a bone in his mouth and a sign around his neck saying "Welcome". Got the plant stand, also. Came home, took a walk, then worked in the yard a little bit.

I got an MP3 player for mother's day. There was a Sony Walkman on Woot.com. I don't know why I have been wanting one. The Sony has an FM tuner, so I thought at least I could use it as a radio. Cindy Cunningham told us that their experience with generic MP3 players was bad, so they ended up getting Katie an IPOD. But I didn't have any problem getting the Sony connected on my laptop. Was able to download songs from the internet (of course, from Sony's site) and also transfered from a CD to the player.

Joey would have had an IPOD when they first came out. He loved his music. He was also into all the technical stuff. I think he would have been a great road crew member.

Met the new neighbors, Joyce and Karl. They are very nice. Karl is a retired prof from the UofI.

Joey's presence

This is something I typically would talk with Steve about. But, no can do. I know that Steve knows about it, because I know that he is watching over me.

Yesterday in Convenient Care, I thought about Joe a lot. My last patient of the day I sutured. He was an Eagle Scout, and he reminded me a lot of Joe. When I went home, I checked my email on AOL. Now, I still have Joe's two screen names on our account. I know, I just don't want to give that away. Anyway, sometimes when I try to sign onto AOL, my screen name will get flipped to Wayne's, which is listed just below mine. Joe's two screen names are below Wayne's. Last night, after I entered my password, the program said that I needed to enter a password. When I closed that screen, one of Joe's screen names was on the sign in. How about that for wierd. I cried myself to sleep, thinking about Joe.

Feeling pretty good. Enjoying the weather. Still not very part time, as we are down 2 PRN providers in convenient care. But it still is better than internal medicine.

Working part-time

I now feel that I am officially part-time. Monday was last day in Internal Medicine. My patients were sad, but they understand. Unfortunately, most of them have been through multiple providers, and they felt that I was the anchor that could keep them stable.

The department had a big carry in for me on Monday. Then Dr. Sundaram took us (our team) out to supper at Biaggi's. It was a nice day to end one chapter and go to the next.

No new symptoms with the Femara. My back is bothering me some. The crazy thing is, it starts hurting when I am at work. Not when I have been working in the yard. Heat seems to be the only thing that makes it feel better. Then it is better the next morning. Crazy.

I passed out May baskets filled with candy yesterday. I had made the baskets, they were coiled fabric, technique I learned from Fons and Porter.

I am so enjoying the nice weather. Wayne is using his mobility scooter almost every day when the weather is nice. I am so glad he is getting out more.

Called in sick

Today is the first time I have called in sick since coming back to work. I have had a cold for almost 2 weeks, thought I was getting better. Then yesterday, I got a sore throat and a low grade fever. Felt bad last night, and I am still not feeling very good, so decided to call in sick. I feel bad for my internal medicine patients. But I have to do what is best for me. I thought about what Steve would tell me. Take care of ME.

I started the Femara yesterday afternoon. I don't think I am having any side effects, but I'm feeling lousy from the cold, who could tell. I didn't sleep very well last night, but I did fall asleep on the couch. The patient literature said the Femara could make me drowsy. Didn't last night. The hot flashes have not been any different so far.

I was having a lot of body aches yesterday, but I am sure that was from Saturday's exertions. Brother John and nephew Logan met me in Ogden, and we almost emptied our storage shed (my quilting frame is still in there. Because it was raining, we left it.) Then we put all the stuff up in the attic. Thank goodness there were three of us. It would have taken a long time with just two, and some of the heavy stuff needed three. Most of that stuff we will never use again. But some I couldn't bear to part with, and some Wayne wouldn't let me throw away.

We had some landscaping done last week. Had a tree planted, Cleveland Flowering Pear, with a brick ring and rock. Had a brick ring and soil for planting annuals put around our lamp post. Then another brick square with some perenials. Along the east side of the house, we had barberry plants put in between the house and the sidewalk. A lot of the neighbors have commented on it, and seem to like it.

Speaking of neighbors, the unit next to ours has sold. Haven't met the couple, as they will move in Memorial Day weekend. I have met their daughter, who works at the clinic in physical therapy. She seems very nice. He is a retired surgeon (91), she is a retired nurse (86?) Moving here from Florida.

Life goes on

There really isn't much going on. I will finish my radiation tomorrow. Except for some radiation esophagitis, and a small area on my anterior chest wall at the left sternoclavicular joint that got burned, I have had no complications. Just the daily grind of going for the daily treatments.

Work has not been part-time. Most weeks I have put in 40 hours. It has been difficult to work primary care one day per week. Also, I have not had 2 days off from the clinic, except for a few weekends. Not what I expected out of part-time. Convenient care offered me 24 hours, with the days consecutive, so that I will have 4 days off in a row, except for the occasional weekend. I think I will be much happier with this situation.

I will start my Femara this weekend. Didn't want to start until I was done with the radiation. I so hope that I won't get any bad side effects. The hot flashes have started to improve, really would not like to have them get worse.

Got in "trouble" with Provena for accessing my own medical records on their computer system. This was from December after I had my biopsies. My punishment will be loss of access. I am not upset. I maintain that for my confidentiality, it would be much better for me to access my own records, than to have other people handling my records. Also, I was making sure that I had the copies for SIU Springfield's Breast Cancer Center. Blah, blah, blah.

I am so missing Steve. I had a dream about him the other night. It just seemed so real. I have no one who understands me like he did. I try to talk with Carol every week. She is having a very difficult time. Steve would want me to help her as much as I can. I told Carol that Steve told me after Joe was killed that he did not want me going through this without him. I don't want Carol to go through this grief without me. Steve would want this.

Back to work

Week two of radiation, and other than some mild tenderness to the breast and some fatigue, I am doing well. I suppose that I will start seeing some skin changes. I am certainly hoping that I will not be getting any breakdown around the surgical scars. They are looking good, and I would like to keep it that way.

I went back to to work this week. I have asked to go minimum of 20 hours per week, with flexing up to 40 or more as I feel that I can. Already, convenient care has asked me to work 2 extra shifts, so I don't think I am going to have any problem with getting hours if I want them. I will only be working 1 day per week in Internal Medicine. That will be on Monday. It seems strange to be there that little. One of my pet patients is not happy that I will only be available on Mondays. But I reassured him that I will be around. If he needs anything, to call my nurse Susan and she will get the message to me. When I told him about my breast cancer, he said he would add me to his rosary beads. How very nice! I told him that since my best friend had died, I needed someone else to pray for me.

I have been very busy in the quilting room. I was between projects yesterday. Decided that I need to work on my quilt scrapbook, which I hadn't worked on in several years! TSK! I've almost got it up to date. Fortunately, 2006 didn't have me working on too many projects as we were getting ready to move.