Getting past the August blues

Well, I think the August blues are behind me. But you never can tell when they will sneak back up.

August 23 was 8 years since Joey was killed. We started the day going to church for communion service. Fr. Mal was on vacation, so Deacon Andy Heckman had the service. I lit a candle for Joey. We then started on my second quilt shop hop. This one was the Illiana Quilters' Shop Hop. This was their second one, but my first time going. We went in the Thunderbird, because I wanted to get some more miles on it. It was gonna be a hot day, so I planned that I would have to put the top up. Wayne was crowded, hot, and uncomfortable, and let me know it. We started the hop in Rantoul. From there we went to Rankin to the cemetery. Wayne stayed in the car, which I assumed he would do. I don't think Rick goes to the cemetery. I never see any flowers there except the ones that I take. Isn't that sad. Then we went to Cissna Park. It was starting to get hot, but Wayne didn't want to put the top up until after we ate, because it is easier for him to get in and out with the top down. Although I did offer to put the top down to facilitate his getting in and out. Next stop was Henning's in Hoopeston for lunch. Food was not as good as it has been in the past. But did have lemon meringue pie. Then to the shop in Hoopeston, which is very nice. They have nice chatty newsletters. Too bad it is too far away to make regular visits. I put the Magellan GPS to use after this, as the next two shops were new to me. The Magellan got me to the shop in W. Lafayette, IN no problem. The shop in Lafayette was more of a problem, as the GPS didn't recognize the address. I felt fairly vulnerable because I didn't have a paper map. I did have a Google map print out of directions. Between the two, we got there. Of course, I was stressed because I am driving in unfamiliar territory, and Wayne is doing his customary back seat driving (sniping). I hit a curb by cutting a corner too short, but I was watching for traffic on the left while trying to make a right hand turn onto a busy street. Wayne yelled, cussed at me. I pulled off and started crying. He asked, demanded what was wrong with me. I can't change Wayne, I can only change myself. The shop in Lafayette is small, and is in a very old church. Very cute! From there we went to the shop in Danville. Now I have been there, but I thought I would just let the GPS direct me. It took a back way. Not really the best way. Wayne got out of the car there, because he was thirsty and had to go the bathroom. They had bottled water and cookies there, and he sat and talked with one of the ladies while I shopped. I like the Danville shop. I picked up one of their newsletters, and I think I am going to take a class this fall. Can't decide between crazy quilting or a class to make up the Illini quilt kit that I bought. I'm leaning towards the crazy quilting. They also have a monthly Linus Project club, which I think I am going to join. I like making quilts for kids, and these go to good causes. Last stop of the day was Urbana. Signed up for the Quilt Pink. They are making a quilt to raffle and proceeds will go to the Mills Breast Cancer Center. Then home. I was in a bad mood the rest of the day. Fell asleep crying.

Friday started out better. Because it was gonna rain, we took the Escape, so Wayne was more comfortable. We had a periodontal cleaning to start the day. Then off to Bourbonnais. The Magellan was fantastic, took us right to the shop. I liked that shop. Then to Manteno. We ate at a Huddle House, which is like a Waffle House. The Magellan again took us right to the shop. The last stop was Crown Point, IN. The Magellan took us to US30. Google maps took us a different way. I would have thought US30 would be faster. Probably would have been, had the traffic been moving faster than 5mph. It had been a good day until then. We spent 3 hours stuck in traffic, until we got to US41, which I turned down. The Magellan reconfigured, and got us to the shop. Wayne got in a pretty foul mood while we were sitting in traffic. I finally told him to pray the rosary, and he sarcastically laughed. I got my rosary out, and I did pray the rosary. The traffic started moving when I got near the last bead. I held the rosary through the rest of US30. Coming home we had to outsmart the Magellan. It wanted to take us back to US30 for shortest time, so I asked for shortest distance, which took us on a lot of back roads. When we got to US 41, I took it to IN63, and got home. We were home too late to go out with the Cunningham's, but went later to play cards.

I am trying to improve my internal thoughts about Wayne. I am afraid he is going to die too soon, and that being alone will be much worse than caring for him. I do love him. I do miss the Wayne that I fell in love with.

Meltdown

I had a meltdown on Sunday the 5th. 27 years ago that day was BJ's last full day of life. I worked 8-2 as usual. Busy, but not hectic, but got behind on my dictation, so didn't leave work until almost 3pm. Went to County Market and bought groceries. Came home and unloaded the groceries. Finished the laundry, read the newspaper. I had a roast in the CrockPot, so only had to make mashed potatoes and a vegatable. When supper was ready, Wayne was still watching a movie, which he couldn't put on hold, so he ate in the living room in front of the TV. I ate by myself at the dining room table. I was cleaning up the supper dishes, when Wayne hollered for me to clean him. It struck me wrong. I felt like smashing the measuring cup that was in my hand. I went in and did the task. Wayne could tell I was mad. I was mad. Not at him. I don't know what I was mad at. Mad that I had lost BJ. Mad that I had lost Joe. Mad that it was August again, that hateful month when so many that I loved had died. Mad that nobody ever calls me up to see how I am doing. Oh, I get phone calls. People wanting my help. Mad that my best friend Steve has died. Mad that I have breast cancer, and not knowing what will happen to me. Wayne thought I was just mad at him, starting getting upset that I was upset, because he can't do anything. But it wasn't about Wayne. He started crying. What about ME?